The costs of perfectionism

The following was excerpted from "Better by Mistake: The Unexpected Benefits of Being Wrong" by Alina Tugend, which will be published on March 17, 2011. A longer excerpt can be found in the New York Times.

Perfectionists often get caught in the endless cycle of regret and blame that makes it difficult, if not impossible, to move on from their mistakes.

“Perfectionism,” says Jeff Szymanski, executive director of the Obsessive Compulsive Foundation in Boston, is “a phobia of mistake-making. It’s the feeling that if I make a mistake, it will be catastrophic.”

Wait a minute here. Aren’t we always complaining that things are going to hell in a handbasket — that no one really cares about doing a good job? Why not strive to be the very best you can be?

And that is true up to a point.

Being a perfectionist is not a bad thing; in fact, it may mean you have very high standards and you often achieve those standards. Those who have perfectionist tendencies, but those tendencies do not rule — or ruin — their lives, are what psychiatrists call “adaptive” perfectionists.

They find it important to do certain things in the right way, but this need does not hinder their lives and can actually help them achieve great success. For instance, Dr. Szymanski told me, he likes all the glasses in his kitchen cupboard lined up a certain way. That does not mean he freaks out if someone changes them (as friends sometimes do for fun), or that everything else in his house is equally ordered. He also strives to be the best executive director and psychiatrist that he can be.

But he knows he is not a great tennis player, and that’s O.K. with him — it doesn’t mean he will give it up because he is not world class, or line up a pro to work with him seven days a week. He is O.K. being O.K. at some things.

On the other hand, what psychiatrists call “maladaptive” perfectionists need to be the best at everything, and if they make a mistake, it’s a crisis. It is also not just about how they perceive themselves, but how others perceive them: they believe they will lose the respect of friends and colleagues if they fail. They have to hit all their marks all the time.

Their need for perfection can also sabotage their own success. They do not turn in projects on time because they’re not yet perfect. They can’t prioritize what needs to be done quickly and what needs more time to complete. They want to rigidly follow rules to get things “right,” and this often means they’re terribly uncreative, because creativity involves making mistakes, Dr. Szymanski says.

Remember Hermione Granger from the "Harry Potter" books? She is the prototypical "maladaptive perfectionist."