"Mariano Rivera Yelled At For Blowing Save," says my favorite fake news source

For those outside the Americas, Rivera is perhaps the greatest closer (pitcher who finishes the game to preserve a win) in the history of baseball. He very rarely blows a save - meaning losing the lead while he is pitching - which of course makes the headline very funny from the get-go. The article reads:

Following Mariano Rivera's second consecutive blown save Sunday, coaches and executives led the11-time All Star and World Series MVP into an office, slammed the door shut, and reamed him out for several minutes, team sources reported. "I heard coach [Joe Girardi] scream, 'You have one responsibility out there, and you screwed it up, goddammit!'" said outfielder Curtis Granderson, adding that he also heard several voices shout "Take your head out of your ass," "You're the worst closer in the world!" and "I am so mad at you right now." I am so mad at you right now!" "Mariano had tears running down his cheeks when he walked back into the locker room, but that didn't stop Derek [Jeter] or Robinson [Cano] from telling him to stop acting like a fucking baby." Though Rivera later apologized for his actions, Yankees pitching coach Larry Rothschild told him to sit down, shut up, and think about what he did.

From The Onion.

Now what makes this funny, besides the incongruity of Rivera's failure, is of course the feeling of familiarity that it has. Who hasn't been reamed out by a manager at one time or another? And does the harsh tone of voice, word choice, etc., improve your performance? No. All it does is show the fear and vulnerability on behalf of the manager.

When a boss threatens, "You better do better next time," is the unsaid rest of the phrase "or you'll be fired"? Or is it "or I'll be fired"?